Sunday, 11:42 am
Time after breakfast and a late morning tea.
I was chasing a story for a few weeks now. But it just didn’t feel right. The moment something happens for good, it gets overturned by something bigger and that just doesn’t align with the right flow of things. Every consumption should have a beginning, a middle however interesting or boring it might be and an ending. A climax is a necessity of any kind of consumption. And all that we are going to get from that consumption depends hugely on the climax. So the story didn’t work out to put it kindly.
This brought me to a line of thinking that what works. Our brain has a tendency to imagine things and the more we consume either through a book or through television it keeps on imagining an extension of what we are consuming.
This brings me to the actual impact of consumption. It is really pretty big. All the words that we speak lead to the words that we think and the thoughts that we think eventually make their way to our actions and then boom. Once we act on the things we think, that’s it. We have solidified a piece of our thought in the world.
Yes, it is nothing new, it has been said by Buddha and then by everyone else in the world, in every book and in every post and every banner. But the strange thing is that nowadays, I am getting the hint of this in everything I do.
It goes like this, I had a thought, just a thought. Then I thought some more around it to make a real case for my initial thought and then once I had a solid lump created I just went playing with it and after a while which was hours later when it was time for dinner, I was not very pleased to leave the thought and carry on with my life, dinner.
But let’s say for the sake of this example that I am married and I have another human being to align my things with. So at this point I have to go and get dinner i.e me and my lump of thoughts which by the way has occupied my entire head in the last couple of hours and just has a small room to get the dinner so that I can get back to my head and carry on business as usual as we do have a long night ahead.
I finish my dinner with very little actual involvement and then just wait for something to happen, something so that I do not have to go back to my feelings but the world doesn’t work that way, right ! Nothing just happens, we have to actively take part in the things we want to see happening. So nothing happens, or a sad chase by me to my better half happens which then quickly escalates into him going over the sofa and swiftly getting back at his work and me , well no other choice but to get back to a head full of thoughts just lurking around and pacing with each other to reach to the finish line which doesn’t exist by the way.
I go to bed and after a few superficial distractions on my phone, go back to the sadness of the fact that I cannot sleep. A simple thing like sleep, which shouldn’t require any assistance from any one and I am failing in that too. Wait, this doesn’t mean I am failing at everything else, no definitely not. But it surely feels like that now.
At this time, I propel my ship towards getting some sleep and how do I do that. I start thinking about the happy moments, my happy places…ah…my grandmother, she was just so loving. She spoiled me with my expectation of love. But somehow I am not mad at her.
I start overlaying thoughts of my mushy love above the grand lump of old thoughts that I was harnessing all throughout the evening. How lovely it was when he was falling in love with me? How special it felt every time we met, we spoke and we discovered so much.
But I like our love now too. This feels like family, he feels like family. Sometimes a little too like family. I would have loved to preserve some old charm and
unfamiliarity between us. It's like meeting an old lover, every few years where you share a perfect blend of familiarity and also a boat of new things to show off and share.
Well, this seems like a perfect project at this time. To try and come up with ways to bring some mystery back, not presenting one’s fully peeled self always but sometimes to appear with a few layers on and then let him pull those away every once in a blue moon when you will be too close for him to see anywhere else.
With this thought, I thought I will end my night and finally get some sleep.
The maid came and moved the curtain and it was 7 am. He woke up but the bed’s still warm. The warmth of a person who got a good night’s sleep. I moved over to the warm side of the bed and slowly the tabs started closing and I went with it.
I called it a day.
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