There is a girl who cannot sleep. A girl who cannot put herself to rest physiologically. Resting her mind is like an illusion to her.
A forever enchanting forest in a wonderland which only Alice can make sense of !
She thinks very hard about different ways she can get some sleep but the more she thinks the more thoughts arise and the more endless the depth seems in front of her.
It was a bad habit stretched too far and so consuming that she has become the victim of her own naivety in this situation. A lot of world class books, videos and her best friend sharing invaluable pieces of advice later, she is lying on the bed, wide awake, and desperately looking for ways to slip off the time that was supposed to make her rejuvenated.
Rejuvenation ! Huh ! She was really trying into it, you know.
One such day, she has just started her night journey, combing through each and every thought so precisely, so finely that she thought of getting to know her biggest fears.
What is it?
Is it the fear of rejection?
Is it the fear of mediocrity ?
Is it the fear of trying too hard?
Is it the fear of not being able to live her dreams?
Is it the fear of not getting love?
Or is it the fear of just simply existing?
Fears are like a pond of freshwater fish. They swim so fast that it takes a whole lot of focus and concentration to even get near them, let alone catching them and putting them to rest.
A steadfast approach would suffice, thought this girl. A keen resolute self, working to focus only on the fears, to land down on the biggest of them all. She knew if she could nail this one down, the rest of them would just have to fall in line.
But the more she tried to focus on getting the one right, the more she was pushed back onto the ceiling, from where everything was a big tangled piece and threads coming out of it from everywhere as if a game of disguise was on going, where everything is a replica apart from that one thread and if she cannot take that one out the tangle will get really big and it will consume her completely.
She thought of changing this course for a little while. And wanted to think about the one thing she could not live without, again a list of essentials displayed themselves like a grocery list.
Hmmm, to start with,
Money,
Food,
Love,
Friends,
Travel,
New places and new people,
Without the freedom to think or do anything.
Without the freedom to express
Without the dignity she has for herself!
Yes, that’s it, the dignity that she has for her own self.
The love and understanding she has for herself she will not be able to live without that.
And that begged the question in her.
And why does she love herself ?
Is it because she has a lot of emotions and she can forgive people very easily, or because she has a sense of justice which although harms her but she has never left the side of, or it is just her ability to think for others the same way she thinks about herself.
Is it because she wrote these lines when life kicked her real hard,
‘ Life is like a river
And I am in a small boat,
And the weather is nice but
For how long will it hold,
How far it will hold the waves,
How deep the ocean is but
I still want to sail.
I am in a small boat
I still want to sail.’
Yes, it is because she wrote these lines, it is because she believed these lines and they came out of her even when she could not sleep, or even when she dreamt of sailing without any sleep.
It is because she wants to sleep, even when she cannot, even when she wants a piece of her mind to be calm but she is sitting on the chair, under the yellow light and writing this piece in the middle of the night, hoping to sail through the rest of the night, may be with or without a storm.
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